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a friend

Dear Sir

I note with interest your articles on the upcoming Mayday Monopoly protests in London. I have access to information about these 'protests' that may be of interest to you.

As many as 100 000 anarchists from the self-styled FLUMPS (Freeform Libertarians Under Militaristic Police Suppression) intend to invade Oxford Street dressed head to foot in sinister furry costumes and outsized comedy feet. At a given signal, a number of these dangerously crazed terrorists will pelt the police lines with potato projectiles fired from specially adapted tubas, under this cover the remaining FLUMPS will relentlessly perambulate in a comic fashion against police riot shields and batons, not stopping until they have ruthlessly lost consciousness.

About 5,000 Italian Anarchists from the You Bastards! (Translated from the Italian) collective have infiltrated top Capital eateries, and upon hearing a secret high frequency mobile phone signal will bring chaos and confusion to many of London's favourite restaurants with an as yet unparalleled wave of food fights. Their agenda is to spoil as many posh frocks and expensive suits as possible.

Approximately 2,000 Belgian Pie-Throwing Anarchists are planning to abseil into the House of Commons and vigorously protest the harsh injustices of a capitalist society via the medium of Crème Anglaise.

A group of 3 000 Eco-Terrorist Anarchists plan to release up to 500 rabid drug-crazed badgers into the Stock Exchange. Many of these animals have been painstakingly hand trained to bite the nadgers off anything in pinstripes or red braces. Their aim is 'to bring tears of pain and disbelief to the eyes of the economy'.

At least 5,000 activists from the G.G.G. (Gorilla Gardening Group) have been secretly tunneling under Trafalgar Square, under cover as sewage workers repairing dilapidated Victorian sewers. In collaboration with renegade anarcho-botanists from the Institute of Myco-Philia (I.M.P.) they have developed a new strain of giant psychoactive mushrooms, which, once planted will germinate in less than two hours, rapidly spreading unparalleled waves of entheogenic madness throughout Central London. Their aim is to turn the Capital into a quivering heap of jellied lunacy.

15,000 Anarchist Road Warriors from Critical Mess will bring London traffic to a grinding halt, leaving scenes of bloody carnage and mayhem as they rampage through the streets on heavily armed unicycles with rocket launchers, machine guns and children's go-carts with chainsaws welded on the front.

7,000 semi naked drug crazed Pagan Sex Magick Anarchists will emerge from their hiding places amongst the Capital's trees and parks and parade licentiously through the streets dragging passers by into their debased, degenerate, lust filled carnival of excess and mayhem. In Hyde Park They will attempt to proclaim independence and start up their own autonomous nation, ruthlessly hunting down unwitting City commuters and barbecuing them on spit roasts in a horrendous orgy of cannibalistic mayhem.

10,000 Ninja Samurai Anarchist Warlords armed to the teeth with a hitherto unparalleled array of fearsomely spiked weaponry will proceed down Whitehall in a frenzied blur of carnage, maiming, disemboweling and dismembering anyone in sight. Their weapons of horror and outrage are tipped in a lethal Black Magic poison, which turns those killed into Crazed Anarchist Vampire Zombie Brain Eaters From Hell.

A crack squad of Hash-Chomping Anarchist Revolutionary Shiite Assassins are planning to target a leading public figure (possibly Tony Blair) with deadly poison-tipped darts containing an esoteric herbal preparation that causes the victim to turn green and froth at the mouth whilst babbling incoherently and displaying a rabid sexual attraction to livestock.

Finally, anything up to 7, 000, 000, 000 activists from the Brown Bloc Coalition will ruthlessly stay at home or their place of work and, in a highly co-ordinated mass action organised by the Anarcho-Scatologist collective Bowel Action Against Capitalism, shit their pants in outrage and righteous indignity at the days anarchic festivities. Their aim is to destabilise corporate owned sewage networks.

I trust this information will be of use to you in your Quest for Truth and the Struggle for Justice.


A Friend

Image taken from www.subvertise.org

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